Ok just sent the following - sorry couldn't be arsed to find the last jokes thread!


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amahl." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.. . . a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

Hah., but you forgot some.

Man walks into a bar and says, "ouch".

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A rabi, a priest, a nun, and a donkey walk into a bar, Bartender looks up and says, "What is this some sorta joke?""

 

Like the "old joke" - -
The young bull to the old bull - "Lets run down into the valley and fuck us one of those heffers". Old bull back to young bull, "Son, lets walk down, and fuck um all".

 

I love number 19 XD

 

Thanks a lot BB...I read 7 and had to sing "It's not unusual" :roll:

jk...love the jokes

 

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!

 

lmao,, How true!lol

 

not for the religiously sensitive . . .

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails onto the check-in desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

That is hilaious and very risky.

 

You're going to have to smoke a turn in Hell over that one!

 

A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, and a Lutheran pastor were all in a small boat fishing, about 100 ft from shore.

Time went on and they hadn't caught anything, so the priest said, I think we could use a beer, I'll go get them. Since it was a small boat, they left the cooler on shore. So the priest steps over the side and walks to the shore apparently on the water. He calls to the Lutheran, to come help him carry stuff, since he decided they should eat in the boat on the water. So the Lutheran steps over the side and walks to the shore, without ever getting his shoes below the water.

This disturbs the rabbi, and he begins to question his faith, since these Christians can apparently walk on water like Jesus.

The two come back to the boat, again apparently walking on the water, and they all sit down in the boat and have their beers and some sandwiches. (No ham, by the way, they respect other's beliefs).

After a while, the rabbi says, boys I have to go drain the hose, so he gets up and steps over the side and winds up in water up to his waist.

The priest looks at the pastor, and says:

















"Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?

 

At least he got nailed that night, which is gonna be better than me...the missus is away!

 

So guys, you know that look that women get when they want sex?

No. Me neither.

 

You mean they have a look? Wish I could see it!

 

oh damn

I have been saving that joke for 12 years, and no one even read it?

 

I liked it. I even laughed. But from all the way over there I guess you would have struggled to hear me.
:-D

 

Whats green and eats nuts? Syphillis

 

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand close to the sink while doing dishes.:-D

Why are women shorter than men?
So it is easier to pick up their husband's clothes.:-D

 

And why do brides wear white?
So they'll match the appliances.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...you wish!

 

Well continuing the theme:

Why don't women make good drivers?

Because you don't need to drive from the kitchen to the bedroom.